Archives for posts with tag: abuse

Guest blogger CoffeeCat offers up the single most powerful piece of writing on the Duggar mess:
Iceberg families like mine; like the Duggars.

My family of origin was similar to the Duggars–and similar to an iceberg. What we showed the public was the surface ten percent. When the doors were closed and no one was looking–our family members played our life out in the submerged dark waters that made up the remaining, unseen 90 percent. It’s where I spent my childhood and adolescence. 

There was hitting. There was slapping. There was emotional abuse. Their was spiritual abuse. There was degradation and name calling and screaming. And sexual abuse. 

We had to keep up appearances. We were a “religious family” and how we looked and how we acted to the outside world, were tantamount. 

I understand the Duggar family. I wish I didn’t. I know what it is like to be a victim of sexual abuse. I know what it is like to feel pressure to project an image of perfection and happiness–and to be dying on the inside. I know what it is like to feel like a nothing. Like the only reason you exist is to be an extension of your parents’ reputations. We existed to satisfy their egos and to ensure that the neighbors, the country-club members, the business colleagues and the church members–thought positively of our family. “Oh you guys have such a nice family!” “Wow, what great parents who have! Aren’t you lucky.” I heard it all the time. 

I know what it is like to never get help and to be forced to hide pain. I was hospitalized ten times–between the ages of five and 12–for acute bladder infections. Hospitalized. Put under anesthesia, because the experts didn’t understand why I had constant bladder infections. I grew up eating antibiotics crushed in peanut butter. I remember trying so hard to be good. To be better. If only I wasn’t so bad, the abuse would stop. 

I remember having to sacrifice my humanity–by remaining silent. By remaining an object. I remained a nothing–to ensure that the abusers were never caught. So I remained a silent, nothing object, because my abusers were my parents and I wanted their love. I was trauma bonded to them. They were all I knew. 

Our entire family should have been in therapy. We were all hurting. In silence. When my sister was hospitalized for an eating disorder, we were supposed to get family therapy. My father was angry with me one day. Because I was bad, my sister would not be getting family therapy. He blamed me. My father did everything to avoid therapy. My sister abused alcohol, I punched my hand threw a window and wanted to die and my brother tried to commit suicide. It was all hidden. Our pain was not only ignored, it was an aggravation because it threatened to reveal what was really happening. If my father could have–he would have sent us away to a family friend who built houses, too. Therapy was avoided at all costs, because it wasn’t truth and healing they wanted–but silence. That perfect shellacked exterior that served them so well. 

A sinister coincidence is that my father also had a police-officer friend who was a child molester. This “friend” took pictures of me and molested me. It’s been very hard to read about the child pornographers, molesters and abusers that surround the Duggar family. This is not coincidence. Trust me. These people have a way of finding each other. And when they’re in trouble, they seek out “likeminded” dysfunctionals–because they know they will also hide their sick secrets. 

As painful as it is to admit–I acted out sexually as a child. I remember one incident when I was 10. I had repressed that this had happened, and the memory surfaced when I was 30. I called the child that this happened with. He verified that indeed, it had. I fell on my knees when he said it happened when I was 13 and he was 8. I wrote him a five page letter, telling him that I believed his account and that what I had done was not his fault. I invited him into my own therapist’s office, to help him heal and to reiterate that he was not at fault. I have never gotten over this. I still have no memory of my actions at age 13, but I die every day just thinking that I could have done something like that. 

When the news about Josh Duggar doing this came out, I knew at once—that he had been abused. Most likely by his father. This was not sexual curiosity. This was a stunted teenager acting out abuse dynamics that had been done to him. He was recycling the abuser/abusee situation. He picked those who were weaker and less powerful than he–because that was what was done to him. 

Minimizing what Josh has done and clamoring for the show to return–is the ultimate injustice. He needs help. He has his own children now. Ignoring what he has done or making excuses–is a crime. 

The girls in the family who were sexually abused and forced to live with their abuser–most likely have PTSD now. And the Duggars are forcing them to be interviewed by Fox this Friday. These girls are robots, at this point. Just like I was. They’ve been programmed to protect the family, to be silent and to stuff down their own humanity until it shrinks into a sliver of nothing. They’ll smile. Just as I did. They’ll praise their parents, just as I did. They’ll claim that they forgive. Just as I did. Because that’s the program instilled in every neuron since preschool. Silence equals love and it’s the price of admission if you want mommy and daddy’s love. What choice do you have? You’re all ready broken in a million pieces–a nothing. The only thing you have is what little love (as sick as it is) you were given by people who regard you as an object. You’re a piece of furniture to them. However, you cling to it–the only life raft you’ve ever experienced during a lifelong tsunami event. 

I only hope the show is cancelled and that the talk of spin-offs is just a perverse rumor. Those girls are victims who have not even begun to face their pain. A spin-off, featuring sexual abuse victims who never got help–is nothing more than a sad crime scene with victims who only know how to perpetuate the lie. 

I cringe when right-wingers or Christians defend this family, their behavior and what happened. The minimizing, the rationalizations, the denial and the justifications–are all pedophile thinking. “He made a mistake.” “God forgives him” “Every family has problems and no family is perfect.” I’ve heard all of this. It was how the abusers in our family kept us quiet, submissive and sick. It was how they kept their secrets safe. I remember my father telling me that anytime I was mad at him to picture Jesus next to him–because Jesus loved everyone. I remember after our family saw the movie Parenthood with Steve Martin. My father remarked, as we walked to the car, “See. All families have problems.” 

I hate to see average people perpetuating these toxic, sick messages. They are gifts to abusers and pedophiles. People might not realize that they are carrying water for pedophiles, but they absolutely are, when they minimize the pain of abuse victims and the significance of what Josh did, and how his parents covered it up and ignored the pain of their own son and daughters. 

The Duggars are an iceberg family, just as my family of origin was an iceberg family. I escaped. I have a good life with my wonderful child and husband, but it took ten years of therapy to unravel the damage. There are many iceberg families out there. I’ve heard their stories in group therapy–but it is especially painful to hear the excuses and the minimizing from people who are only reinforcing the notion that this family is fine just the way it is. 

The Duggars are not victims of the media or the police who released the report. This family is lucky that we don’t know the full truth–and they damn well know it. They are not victims of anyone. They are a victim factory. These parents created victims that are now growing into adults that are unhealed. They are now having children who may become sexual abuse victims. The extent of the damage and pain that these parents have caused cannot be overestimated. Many generations will suffer because of them. 

In the end, I hope that the show is cancelled and that this forces at least some Duggar members to find their way to help–so that they can stop living on the surface of an iceberg crafted by abusers–and start living a whole, authentic life on their own terms. 

There is life beyond the prison of the surface ten percent.
Thanks to CoffeeCat for bravely writing this piece. Remember: It ain’t about politics, and it ain’t about religion: it’s about abused children.

Mr. Blunt and Cranky

Really? No, seriously, REALLY? Christ on a trailer hitch, these Teapubbies have gone even bats*** crazier. Read this scarily accurate headline: Idaho Republican backs faith-healer parents: ‘If I want to let my child be with God, why is that wrong?’

The story is as follows: faith-healers’ kids die from neglect, and “Republicans” support them, and so want to ensure that deliberately causing one’s child to die is legal:

Legislation limiting a faith exemption for medical care in the state’s child neglect law was proposed after a string of preventable child deaths in Marsing among members of the Followers of Christ Church.

Perry said faith healers are caring parents who simply trust in God’s will.

“They are comforted by the fact that they know their child is in heaven,” Perry said. “If I want to let my child be with God, why is that wrong?”

Good God. This straw-for-brains “pro-life” Teabagger is even dumber than a wet sack of doorknobs.

The more so since she vehemently objects to letting a pregnant woman make the same choice BEFORE the child is born. Yep, Ms. Perry is rabidly anti-choice.

Got it, Gentle Reader? Everyone MUST be born whether their mother wishes it or not, and Repubs will make sure every pregnant woman is forced to give birth. But should a baby catch so much as a sniffle, one single minute after he or she emerges, it’ll be their parents’ “God-given” right to murder their child. Crazy.

Pro-life, my Cranky A**. Pre-born life matters far more to these “Christians” than post-born life. You can be jailed for having a miscarriage, but not for murdering your toddler.

Mr. Blunt and Cranky

From the racist , biased prosecutor and like-minded cops using armored vehicles and battlefield weapons intended to kill terrorists on civilians, to the heavy-handed tactics of the Nixon administration, police and politicos are just as malignantly clueless as they were the day an unarmed black kid was shot in the street by an out-of-control cop and his body was left to rot on the pavement for hours in the summer heat. And the stupidity was clearly visible in these remarks from the boss cop:

At a late news conference, as National Guardsmen watched from a distance, St. Louis County Police Chief Jon Belmar said that as of midnight, police had arrested about 30 people related to the protests and tallied hundreds of gunshots.

The magnitude of the protests caught the police off guard, he said.

“As dynamic as August was, can you imagine a night like this?” he asked. “We didn’t have anything of this magnitude, so it was very difficult, I think, to telegraph exactly what we should have expected. I didn’t foresee anything like this.” He added that police did everything they could to prevent the chaos.

Such stupid, bigoted, willfully pig-ignorant f***wits. They think they can go on with the apartheid-lite approach that Ferguson (and many other such towns) have taken for decades. Even though it hasn’t worked in this case, even though people are not at all happy, even though buildings are burning and innocent people are suffering, local officials are convinced that they can just beat down people of color and everything will go back to “normal”.

Rich, powerful white people have been trying this idiotic approach for centuries. And it always looks like it will work, for a while at least. But history shows us that oppressors will fail, no matter how many times they try.

Stupid f***s.

Mr. Blunt and Cranky

Roy T. Dye, “men’s rights activist” is such a loser, he has to pay women to have sex with him. Not only that, he beats them when they show up to provide paid sex services. Yes, this is what the “men’s rights movement” is: men who hate and abuse women.

Don’t believe it? Look at their Facebook page, if you can stomach it. It’s full of seriously sick, twisted s***. Racism, sexism, lies, hatred, yep, that’s what these pathetic needle-dicked little s***s are all about.

There is no need for a “men’s rights” anything. We males own most of the world’s wealth, control most of its governments, and are in charge of nearly all of its law-enforcement. Really, who is oppressing us? Answer: no-f***ing-body is oppressing us.

The only people who think we need such a “movement” are pathetic, useless, violent, stupid, hateful, misogynistic people who can’t even be called “motherf***ers”, because no woman in the world would willingly f*** them. They take their psychotic attitudes and try to pretend they are somehow “victims” of all those big, bad, evil wimminfolk and their global conspiracy to cut off our penises (really, one of their posts actually mentions the need to protect our junk from the feministas).

So, the next time one of your Facebook “friends” posts a “men’s rights” link, just remind them that the guy behind it is a woman-beating, unemployed piece of crap that has to pay women to talk to him. An inspiring leader, isn’t he?

Mr. Blunt and Cranky

Just when you think you have heard it all, just when you think you can’t be shocked; just when you think you have a grasp on just how crazy people can be…the world gives you an even crazier person. So it is with the accused child-molesting teacher Esther Irene Stokes.

Ms. Stokes’ defense is truly novel: she claims that she could not have molested the girl because of her racism. Yes, that is what she says: since she hates black children, according to her “logic”, she could not have touched the child. Truly, an epic bit of “reasoning” on the part of the accused.

Of course, sexual assault is a crime of violence, not romance: so hating the person you’re accused of attacking actually makes you look even more likely to have committed the crime in question. This person would appear to be as stupid as she is predatory.

The charter school has since canned the accused, which is appropriate. But you kind of have to wonder why they’d hire a teacher who had “little or no interaction” with her black students. But that could just be ordinary incompetence: the teacher is clearly barking mad, which is worse.

Ladies and gentlemen, we present the craziest, dumbest and most brain-dead sex offender in history. And the scariest part is, the world has probably already got someone who is even crazier in the on-deck circle.

Mr. Blunt and Cranky

How many times do we have to see this s*** happen before America gets off its ass and demands action?  A girl was raped by three of her classmates. After raping her body, they took to social media to rape her reputation. The cops kinda sorta did a half-assed “investigation”, and the girl killed herself. And there it sat until the media made the cops look like the bumbling, sexist fools that they were. And suddenly, the cops “found” the evidence required to charge the perps with more serious crimes.

Time and again, across the nation and around the world, local officials smirk and wink at rape. Time and again, they get caught. And time and again, they do too little, too late. Why the repetition, why the failure to learn?

Short answer: there are no consequences for their willful incompetence. The cops get a brief period of time in the harsh glare of the media, but they go away soon enough. And the cops shrug their shoulders, smirk some more, and go back to their tacit encouragement of rape and other violent sex crimes. Why should they change?

Look at Steubenville, Torrington, Nova Scotia, and any other such case you care to look at. Have any of the local officials who failed so miserably lost their jobs, been fined, or called to account in any way? No. They do a rotten job and it does not matter. They can allow rape to happen and pay no price for their pro-criminal activities.

And the hell of it is, most police departments actually do a good job in this area. But they don’t get any credit for it, because the incompetent few make the rest look bad. And the good cops and bad cops get the same treatment, regardless of how good or bad a job they do. Every parent knows: if you don’t teach your kids about consequences, your kids won’t learn to do the right thing. Same with adults.

A modest proposal: it’s time we put any and all failed local officials up on trial as accomplices to rape, whenever they fail to protect and serve the victims of sex crimes. Imagine if, for example, Sheriff Fred Abdalla of Steubenville had to register as a sex offender. Do you think that would get the attention of the pro-rape cops around America? You bet it would.

If they don’t and won’t care about the women they are supposed to protect, they’ll at least start caring about keeping their own fat, pimply butts out of jail.

Mr. Blunt and Cranky

P.S.: The family is suing the three little pigs who raped and bullied their daughter to death: But they aren’t suing the worthless locals who took EIGHT F***ING MONTHS to arrest the perps. They really should be suing the cops, too, just to put the fear of God into those stinking rapist-loving perverts.

Yes, that’s right: two 13-year-old girls were raped in Torrington, CT not long ago, and for all the bulls*** being spewed by the Pro-Rape contingent in that town and elsewhere, the cops keep arresting people:

So much for the “no big deal” crap we’ve been hearing from a**holes around the country. So much for the “what was she doing hanging around football players” crap, the “she wanted it” crap, the “slut, whore, bitch” crap, and all the other bits of s*** being slung at the victims. Cops almost never bust men for sex crimes when no sex crimes have been committed. Hell, cops oftentimes don’t bust men for sex crimes when there HAVE been sex crimes committed.

Yes, it really happened. Yes, it’s completely and totally the fault of the rapists. No, it’s not the girl’s fault. Period. End of story. Fin.

Mr Blunt and Cranky

A while back, a horrible sexual assault in India shocked the world. And all across our country, people said, “I’m glad that kind of thing doesn’t happen in America”. Perhaps they blathered some sort of jingoistic, racist twaddle as they expounded on how much better we are than they are. And then, comfortable in their willful ignorance, forgot about rape.

More recently, a horrible sexual assault in Steubenville, Ohio shocked the world. And all across our country, people said, “I’m glad that kind of thing doesn’t happen in my town”. Perhaps they blathered some sort of regional, class-based, racist twaddle as they expounded on how much better we are than they are. And then, comfortable in their willful ignorance, forgot about rape. Again.

Then we heard about Torrington, CT, and the recent rapes of a 13-year-old girl by two 18-year-old football players. And let’s not forget Jerry Sandusky in State College, PA, who raped many, many young boys.  And the thousands of military women who are raped each year, around the country and the world. And so on. And on. And on. Willful ignorance is getting to be kind of difficult to maintain, innit?

Take note of the similarities in all of the cases cited:  Number A, the victim-blaming.
 Letter 2, the local community trying to cover up/put spin on the crimes committed there.
 Thirdly, the outside world loses its patience with the locals and shines a large, uncomfortable spotlight on all the seamy, shady, dirty little secrets of the rape-friendly place du jour.
 Fourth, justice is (finally) served, to an extent at least, grudgingly, but the victims will be pariahs for life in their own communities, especially when the short attention span of the outside world  wanders off elsewhere. That, people, is not just.  But it’s as good as it gets.

And for every event that people hear about, there are thousands upon thousands that America does not hear about. Big cities, small towns, deserted prairies, places foreign and domestic, the weak are raped by the strong. Thus it is, thus it has been, and you don’t f***ing want to know, do you? So you work hard at not knowing. And the media, which exists to sell advertisements and create illusions, largely helps you remain willfully ignorant. This suits the rapists just fine. The rape victims (including your humble cranky correspondent) are left to be abused and even killed, and America can pretend it doesn’t know.

Cowards, a whole nation; nay, a whole world of cowards. So long as it isn’t their child, wife, mother, or such being raped, no one  wants to think about it. “It’s all so icky, it makes us feel gross, pleasepleaseplease stop talking about it and we can once more pretend we know nothing. Look at the pretty pictures, turn up the iPod, lalalalala, nothing to worry about, snooze…are they gone yet? Have they stopped talking yet? Whew, that’s a relief.”

Those of us who have no choice but to know about rape look at the willfully ignorant and feel many emotions: hate, rage, disgust, even envy at their enforced cluelessness.  But no one who is raped chooses to be raped, and we can’t choose to not deal with the consequences. The rape victim’s right to choose is forever ripped asunder at the time of the crime, and it can never be repaired fully. But our ability to not know? That, boyo, is gone forever, never to return.

What is different now is the Internet. What is different now are blogs and hacktivists. What is different now is a decentralized media that doesn’t march to the tune of the patriarchal pervert rape freaks that have forever dominated the world in which we live. The world is slowly becoming one with the rape victims in this respect at least: ignorance is getting scarce.

How was the Steubenville case blown open? Bloggers and Hacktivists. How is the Torrington case being slowly opened? Bloggers and Hacktivists. The raped cannot count on the figures of authority to protect them-all too often, it is just those authorities who commit or cover up the crimes, after all. The cyber-vigilantes have grown weary of waiting, and are taking matters into their own hands, as vigilantes always do.

And thank God for them. America, get ready to lose your innocence. The innocence you’ve never really had, just one you pretended to have, and the pretense is going bye-bye. No matter how you try to distract yourself, you are going to have to face reality: rape happens everywhere, every day, every hour.  Everybody loses their innocence sooner or later.

Fortunately, the vast majority of you will lose it  via the evening news, Facebook, twitter, or some sort of media. That’s a lot less painful loss of innocence than was the case for millions of rape victims. They lost theirs in an act of ultimate betrayal; violently, brutally, and in silence. A silence that almost every adult American has been complicit in creating and maintaining, by choosing to pretend they do not know.

Perhaps you deserve pity. But this writer, having dealt with the reality of rape for over 50 years now, is not the person to ask for such. Wakey-wakey, America, time to deal with it. Rape victims have lived with this harsh reality for millennia, and now it’s your turn. Like it or not, just like us.

Mr. Blunt and Cranky


Around the world, people and pundits are dealing with severely bunched-up undergarments after hearing that Big Bennie is stepping down as Pontiff.

Relax, everybody, not much will change. The Roman Catholic Church will still be the same organization that offed Huguenots by the truckload during the Reformation, tortured even more Jews during the Inquisition and molested unknown numbers of innocent children; just to name a few of their “greatest hits”.

Popish fellows come and go, and the Church continues committing crimes against humanity and indulging in financial activities that Bernie Madoff couldn’t even imagine. At the same time, individual members of the Church do wonderful things for poor and downtrodden people around the world. The Pope matters little to the church.

And how can this be true? Simple: his last day on the job is February 28th. His successor won’t be chosen until sometime in March. If Joey Ratz (or any Pope) were all that friggin’ important, how could the Church run without him?

Nope, the Pope matters not one bucket of warm spit. The Church goes along through the centuries, being both the best and the worst of humankind. Which schmuck sits in the Chair of Peter makes no difference.

Mr. B & C

Senators Ted Cruz, Mike Lee, Tom Scott, Marco Rubio, Mike Johanns, Rand Paul, Pat Roberts and James Risch formally announced their uncompromising support for anyone who violently assaults women. They showed their solidarity with rapists, stalkers, wife-beaters and other such scum by voting to kill the Violence Against Women Act; indeed, they didn’t even want it to come to a vote.

You want to know why high-school kids from Ohio to Minnesota think it’s OK to gang-rape girls? Ask these eight Senators who lead by example. By refusing to support legislation that would protect women from violent crime, they endorse the committing of violent crime against women.

“Oh nonono, not at all”,these misogynistic louts cry; “there are other matters to consider, it’s not that we hate women”. All together now, readers: “BulllllllS********t”.

Voting against legislation to help crime victims is voting against crime victims. And that means voting FOR criminals.

And that is how these eight men voted. Their mothers must be so proud.

Mr. B & C