By beating him soundly, of course. Christian corporal punishment. Sound odd? Not at all. Ol’ Patty Robertson thinks beatings are blessings, you see:

In an email to the televangelist, a viewer named Karen explained that she did not want to attend a Christmas event because her Christian daughter “drank too much” and her grandson disagreed with her religious beliefs.

“We declined going to our daughter’s house on Christmas this year because there is always an argument, hard feelings etc.,” Karen wrote in an email. “One grandchild comes high on marijuana, cursing and challenging our faith. I correct him and have told my daughter to ask him to respect our beliefs, but he keeps it up.”

Robertson immediately recommended that the grandson should be taken “to the woodshed and let him understand the blessings of discipline.”

Got it, Gentle Reader? Pat Robertson wants to “bless” people by, quite literally, beating the Hell out of them. That being the case, surely some good Christian would be willing to likewise “bless” him in return? If beatings are truly Christian blessings, how could either party refuse?

In fact, this humble scribe would like to make an offer: in his past musical doings, mixtapes have been made for BDSM events. Such soundtracks would be made available for Mr. Robertson’s blessing-reception session at no charge. Indeed, a Dom or Dominatrix could be found as well, to administer such single-tailed sacraments to a fellow sinner (eat your hearts out, Opus Dei).

Let’s help Rev. Pat get all the blessings to which he is entitled. We can, in good conscience, do no less.

Mr. Blunt and Cranky