TeaPublicans: The Party of Perverts, Predators and Puritans.

Some “Republicans” are all three at once. Not sure how that’s even possible, but Repubes are a load of walking contradictions anyway, so what’s another slab of cognitive dissonance on top of the mountain of political illogic upon which the GOP is already perched? The Predatory Pervy Puritan ‘Pubs they are, then.

Clan Duggar certainly qualify for all those P’s, obviously, plus another for “Pedophiliac”. As does their cop friend, Jim Hutchens, doing time for various baby-abusing-type crimes. As do other Teavangelicals, too many to name here.

Then there’s the Pervert ‘Pub Platoon, exemplified by Pampers-f***er and Prostitute Purchaser “Baby Davy” Vitter. Even though he has no grounds to criticize others for their sexual preferences, he does in fact point his fingers at others for not being normal. As if having sex while wearing a diaper full of one’s own s*** makes one “normal”.

And then there are those like Mike FHuckabee and those of his ilk, who are Puritan ‘Pubs that love Pedophiliacs and Perverts. Be they Duggars or others, Mikey and Co. just LOVES them some child abusers and baby-rapers.

And then there are the Perverted Puritan Pubbies, like Marco Rubio and Jeb Ph***ing Bush, who forced women to post their sex lives online.

These sick motherf***ers must have teenie weenies, to have all these bizzare sexual hangups. Or maybe their mommas never loved them, or daddies weren’t macho enough. Naaaah, they’re just a bunch of Pencil-P*****ed Pedo Preeves.

Vote for them if you are also a Perverted, Pedophiliac, Predatory, Puritan, Prostitute-Purchasing, Pencil-P****ed ‘Pub. Vote against them if you’re not.

Mr. Blunt and Cranky

“War on Christmas?” Gimme a Friggin’ Break, OK?

The “Christian Right” is starting into its annual festive tizzy about how Baby Jesus is being dissed due to people uttering words other than “Merry Christmas” during the period of time between Halloween and New Year’s Eve. In reality, of course, there is no such “war on Christmas”, and has never been. You want the real story on the annual celebration? Here ya go:

When the weather gets cold and the days get short, people like to have a party, to lift their spirits. It’s been going on for, literally, thousands of years, all over the planet. Vis. and to wit:

In ancient Rome, it was called Saturnalia (or Dies Natalis Solis Invicti).
Modern American Hindus celebrate Pancha Ganapati.
Vainakhs celebrated Malkh.
Saxons celebrated Mōdraniht.
European-descended Pagans have a Yule holiday.
Persian-descended Pagans celebrate Shabe Yaldā.
Christians, of course, have Christmas.
The jewish people celebrate Hanukkah.
Slavic folk have been known to observe Malanka.

To name but a few. Get the idea? When all around is dark and dreary, we humans like to have some light and merriment.

So just because Christian missionairies in the British Isles decided to adapt some Celtic Pagan observances by inventing a birthday celebration for Rebbe Yeshuah Bar Joseph (AKA Jesus), and just because we Christian types happen to be in the majority in contemporary America, doesn’t mean other people in and from other cultures don’t have a right to party in the manner of their own choosing. We all need a bit of a pick-me-up when nature has us feeling down.

It’s gotten worse since Fundagelicals have decided to repurpose the celebratory holiday of Christmas into yet another evangelical outlet; because when religious people are looking for converts, they can get pretty militant. (See the Albigensian Crusade for another example besides the current ones.) Songs like “Mary, Did You Know” are perfect examples of this phenomenon. It’s no longer enough to wish the Savior a happy birthday and give gifts and charity to others: no, these proselytizeing latter-day Puritans are after your very souls. Damn your fun, they are on a mission!

Everybody, just take a breath and smile. Drive away the chill and dark with warmth and light. It’s what humans do. All of us. For all of our history. This writer loves the opportunity to liven up the blah days of a blah season, and doesn’t care what you call your party.

Call it “Bob”, if you want. It might prevent a few wars, or a few Fox News editorials at the very least. The reason for the season is: to help ourselves and those around us to be a wee bit happier.

So Happy Bob to one and all.

Mr. Blunt and Cranky