The Freakout Machine is jacked all the way up for a flavored water commercial. And what these fools have to say is, as usual, a load of ignorant pig crap. No, now that I think about it, pig crap is at least good fertilizer, so the Right Wingnuts are even lower than swine poo. Here’s why:

Number A: America the Beautiful is NOT our national anthem. In fact, it is a poem that wasn’t even sung to its current melody until 1910, long after our nation’s Centennial. Oh, and it was written by a church-going lesbian college English teacher while she was on a vacation to Pikes Peak.

Letter 2: English isn’t really all that much of a muchness, so don’t get down on your knees worshipping it. The English language is a just a big, messy pile of words that were stolen from other, older languages. The two writers most responsible for its current form were an opium user (Chaucer) and a mystery man who remains unidentified to this day (Shakespeare). So don’t be getting all huffy if every human being doesn’t speak it 24/7/365.

Thirdly: switching to Pepsi because you don’t like multiculturalism or gay rights is beyond ignorant: PepsiCo is and has been a huge supporter of LGBT rights and marriage equality, and is run by a woman from India, assisted by a management team that includes men and women from all over the world, including Moslems. Yes, those swarthy “tarrist types” you love to hate. That’s who help bring us the Pepsi you were going to switch to: gay-friendly locals as well as foreigners who don’t all speak English as a first language.

Finally: If you’re really gonna boycott Coke, you can’t go to Chick-Fil-A, McDonald’s, Wendy’s, Cracker Barrel, Papa John’s and a whole raft of other popular eateries. Because unless they let you BYOB, you’re gonna be drinking… yep, you guessed ‘er, Chester, Coke products.

Really, people, calm the f*** down, OK? Coke is just bubbly water with a load of tasty chemicals dumped in it. America the Beautiful is a nice poem that a church organist put to music. And in our capitalist system, companies make advertisements to sell us stuff (like bubbly drinks, f’rinstance). And the Super Bowl is the zenith of such American advertising (confession: your humble correspondent liked this one the best). So lighten up, Buttercup, it’s just companies making money.

Mr. Blunt and Cranky

PS: If you prefer a response that is a bit less cranky and more idealistic, click here for an excellent explanation from a gifted speaker.