Ebola to Republicans: “Thank you!”

Mr. Ebola Virus held a surprise press conference yesterday, as you all know by now. Speaking and secreting to a room full of reporters, many of them sketchily covered in makeshift protective gear, Ebola lauded the American “Republican” party for their assistance in spreading himself across multiple countries in a short period of time. But enough of me yakkin’, let’s hear what the Virus himself had to say:

“Thank you all for coming on such short notice, I appreciate it. I gotta say, I am getting too much credit for the death and mayhem I have wrought upon West Africa, and now America too. It’s unfair of you to not give props to those awesome Teapublicans in America. Their budget cuts in the past helped degrade the world’s ability to fight me, and even better for me, they are still refusing to spend money to fight me.

It’s helping me, no question about it. They throw money at terrorists and such, but leave me free to murder and terrorize at will. It’s not bragging to predict that I will kill thousands more people this year than those pathetic loons in ISIS and Al-Qaida put together, and I couldn’t do it without pig-ignorant, medieval morons like Boehner, Inhofe and Vitter shafting the CDC, NIH, WHO, and everybody else who needed resources to prepare for my assault on the human race.

That’s all I had to say, really. Please keep ignoring me, don’t listen to experts, panic all you want, I live for that. And vote Republican, they are my biggest supporters!”

Sounds like “mission accomplished” once again, doesn’t it?

Mr. Blunt and Cranky

Who Cares who Alison Lundergan Grimes Voted For?

Bitchy Mitchy McConnell tells a lot of lies. A LOT of lies. But a very subtle and sneaky one jumped out at this humble blogger during the lone debate with his Democratic challenger: he said Americans have no right to a secret ballot:

Grimes stuck to her days-long refusal to say if she voted for Obama in 2008 and 2012. She insisted that if she answered the question, it would “compromise a constitutional right” to cast a secret ballot.

McConnell quickly scoffed at that. “There’s no sacred right to not announce how you voted,” he said, seated next to Grimes for an hour-long debate hosted by KET, the state’s public television station.

There is indeed no explicit Constitutional right to a secret ballot: because Boards of Election need to track voters and ballots to prevent fraud. But that’s the only place where your right to voting privacy is limited.

But old Jerkle the Turtle goes a step further: not only does he not think you have a right to privacy in the voting booth, he thinks you can be forced to reveal your votes if any old yahoo asks you. This is some truly, scarily insidious, authoritarian, big-government s*** here, folks: “Republicans” think they can force you to tell them how you voted, and that you have no right to privacy.

It’s of a piece with GOP philosophy: they hates them some Fourth Amendment. Repubs think the government should be able to wiretap you, arrest you, torture you, dictate your medical care, and monitor your sex life. So voting rights are likewise non-starters for Big Brother Motherf***ers like McConnell and the rest of his party. Once again, Gentle Reader: Repubs think you have no right to privacy.

We should all of us applaud Ms. Grimes’ strong stand on privacy, and support her right to not say for whom she voted. This seems obvious, but even some Democrats are saying she should tell us all how she voted. Poppy-f***ing-cock. She has the same privacy rights as the rest of us, and we should all have her back on this issue – because we all are in the same boat. Want to be forced to tell your boss how you voted, or your parents, or a “news” organization? This writer does not, and you shouldn’t have to, either.

This election isn’t just about candidates, folks: it’s about our freedom from Big Government Repubs and their NSA-Patriot Act-Morals Police-Brute Squad vision of America. We all need to vote against any candidate who would take away our rights, and support any candidate who supports our rights.

Your humble correspondent doesn’t give a single turd from a tufted titmouse’s ass how Ms. Grimes voted. It’s her right to keep it private, and good on her for asserting that right.

Mr. Blunt and Cranky