Bluntly and Crankily summarized, here are the likely candidates for President in 2016:

Bernie Sanders: If there are more smart people in America than the polls indicate, he’s in.

Hillary Clinton: Meet the new Democratic President, same as the old Democratic President.

Jim Webb: Might as well be a Republican.

Lincoln Chafee: Pretty much still IS a Republican.

Joe Biden: Good at calming shoulder rubs. Would like to calm the entire country.

Marco Rubio: Can’t even handle a water bottle. Wants to run an entire country.

Mike Huckabee: Optimistic hypocrite who doesn’t have the nerve to quit.

Ben Carson: All Brains. No Heart.

Ted Cruz: Because Birthers and Teavangelicals are complete idiots.

Rand Paul: Because Libertarians and Teabaggers are even bigger idiots.

Carly Fiorina: Proud of her failure in Tech, wants to proudly fail the entire country.

Chris Christie: Christ in name only. Still unindicted.

Jeb Bush: Helped steal the White House in 2000. Would love to do it again.

Scott Walker: Will destroy everything Americans hold dear. Will get votes anyway.

Donald Trump: Told his hair stylist, “You’re Fired!”

Mr. Blunt and Cranky