Mr. W. Mitt Romney, already acknowledged as being one heckuva weasel, has come up with a marvelous new B.S. story that has weasels of the two- and four-legged varieties from around the world awestruck with admiration: “Dude, did you see THAT? We have to up our game, man, we are, like, totally losers compared to the Willard the Wonder Weasel”. Even Billy Bob Clinton is genuflecting before Romney’s icon in The Weasel Cathedral, acknowledging the passing of the Weasel King crown to a new master.

Said weaseliciousness is as follows: Mitt has claimed for some time now to have “had no involvement with Bain Capital after 1999”. Pretty unequivocal. But then, golly gee whillikers, it turns out he has also said he DID have involvement after that date, which looks a whole lot like a lie. If one is to be the King of All Things Weaselish, one must triumph over inconvenient facts, so Mitt put on his Captain Super Weasel Underoos and came up with this line for the ages: he “Retired Retroactively”.

Absolute brilliance, possibly unparalleled in modern times. By using the magical Retroactive Ray, Mitt could take actions that could later be declared altered, or even never to have existed. Now consider the possibilities for the rest of us:

  • “That baby is not mine, because I put on a condom after we had sex. Retroactive Responsibility.”
  • “I did not shoot that man, because I retroactively became a pacifist in favor of gun control”.
  • “I was not driving drunk, because I retroactively sobered up.”
  • “I cannot possibly have the Clap, because of my retroactive virginity.”

Perhaps Republican Primary voters should retroactively cast their votes for another, less weaselish candidate?  Considering Romney’s level of Weaseltude, almost any candidate would pass that test.

Mr. Blunt and Cranky

P.S.: Yes, your humble writer did indeed reference Dire Straits and Eminem in the same blog post (last Friday). Yes, he did it on purpose; and yes, he is perversely pleased about it. Deal.